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Chapter 6 - Despair

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1 Chapter 6 - Despair on Fri Jan 14, 2011 8:01 am

Mrs.KreszentiaBlack

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The portrait swung open and Harry, Ron, and Hermione walked into the Griffindor common room. They looked around and saw Ginny sitting on the couch by the fire, asleep, her cheeks streaked with tears.

“Ginny,” said Ron gently shaking Ginny awake, “we’re here.”

Ginny awoke immediately and looked around. Her eyes met Harry’s. She walked over to him and embraced him with such immense relief that it was contagious. Harry suddenly felt relieved, forgetting for a moment where he is and what he has just resolved to do. All he knew was blissfulness: the mane of red hair tickling his face, the flowery smell in his nostrils, the warm happy sensation of having Ginny close. He wanted to bring her closer, to hold her tight. But instead he gently pushed her away, his heart breaking. He wanted to protect her with his own body from the horrors he knew he was about to face. Harry could not bare to think about the thing he has just resolved to do while holding Ginny. He wanted to keep her safe; sheltered from the terror that takes place outside of Hogwarts.

He wanted to protect her from the pain of losing a loved one.

“We are not- not made for each other” he said almost breathlessly, every word was causing him terrible pain, “we have been apart for almost a year. We never really dated long. We shouldn’t get back together now.”

To Harry, the look of disappointment on Ginny’s face was torture worse than crucio. “You will understand it eventually,” he said.

“Let’s go to sleep already." said Hermione sensing the situation,"Do you realize, Harry, that you haven’t slept at all since Christmas?”

Harry couldn’t take his eyes off Ginny as she turned to go up to the girl’s dormitories, as if willing her to understand. Hermione followed her. Ron asked Harry if he would sleep in the boys dormitories.

“Just one night, for old times sake. Tomorrow you can floo back to Number Twelve.”

“You go ahead,” Harry told Ron who looked as tired as Harry felt, “I just need to do a few things, then I’ll go to sleep too.”

“Ok, good night” said Ron going up the familiar spiral staircase to the boy’s dormitories, the room they have shared for six happy years.

Harry sat down heavily on the chair next to the fire, thinking about Ginny. Thinking about what he is about to do without Ron and Hermione, this time. Without help or encouragement, for he knew that his friends would never approve of what he will be doing. But he couldn’t think of any other plan, and there was simply no time for Hermione to come up with a better one. He must do it no later than tomorrow. Today, even, if he could manage it, but he couldn’t bring himself to get up and go. He couldn’t take Ginny off his mind. He needed her now, more than ever. He had to talk to her. He took out a piece of parchment and a quill and started writing:

“dear Ginny,

I am writing to you because I must talk to you. I can’t let you hear what I say and you will never read this letter either. It’s just a way for me to imagine having you near. Ginny, you don’t know it, but I love you. I need desperately to be with you now.”

“ I need you.” Harry wrote, soaking the parchment with tears, “As you were going up the stairs I had to use all my will power not to cry out for you ‘don’t go! Don’t leave me! Come back!’ it took all my power not to beg you to hold me back, to not allow me to go. Ginny, I’m scared. I know you think I am cold and unloving but I couldn’t let you know how I feel right now. Because you can’t feel something like this and still live. I can’t let you experience that; I want you to live, Ginny. Don't be like Cho: depressed, wallowing in memories of Cedric, forgetting to live. I want you to find love. someone more worthy of you than I am. someone who will live, stay alive for you.

"I have to go now. I will never see you again, Ginny, because I have to kill Voldemort. I can’t think of any way to avoid it. And it can’t wait. I am sorry. I know it will cause you anguish to wake up tomorrow and find that I am gone. Forever. But I will take Voldemort with me, right into the veil. This is the only plan that will guarantee to work. I must do this thing because no matter how good a wizard I am, there is no way that I can kill voldemort in a wizard-to-wizard duel.

"I’m scared, Ginny, I don’t want to die. I don’t want this to be the last I saw of you. I want to live. With you. I want us to get married and have a family. I never really knew the feeling of being part of a family, but you are the closest thing to family I have ever had.

"I feel so lucky to have known you. You made my life worth living, no matter how short, it will have been worth living it."

Harry kept writing, scribbling furiously on the parchment as tears were streaming down blotting the words. Harry didn't care. Ginny wasn't going to see this anyway.

Over and over he professed his love for Ginny and hoped that he did the right thing by not saying a proper goodbye, so she would not suffer when he is gone. He was hoping that she didn't fall for him like he fell for her; that she would be able to go on with her life without him, for he could not have lived without her.

When there were no more tears left to shed, and no more strength left to think, Harry felt his spirits lift and was ready to go fight his final battle. He was almost on his way when he suddenly thought of something else.

He quickly tore a small peice of parchment and wrote: "Last will and testement:

"I, Harry James Potter, leave all the money that is in the Potters' vault to the Weasly family. To Remus Lupin I leave all the money in the vault belonging to Sirius Black. Anything else that might belong to me can be sorted out by Ron and Hermione." he was ready to fold it when he decided to add, "P.S. to Ron an Hermione, please don't be angry at me for doing the last bit without you. You are and always will be my best friends, but I knew that if I told you-you wouldn't have let me go. Be strong. I love you."

Harry folded the paper neatly, and put it down. Then he took his wand and was on his way.



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